If you were in my shoes, what would you do about this cousin?

Published 25 July 2017

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Dear Ola,

Death snatched my mum from me when I was six. And my dad shipped me off to live with his elder brother in Ikere. Devastating Death returned for my dad only five-odd years later.

My uncle and foster-dad had a set of twins of about my age among his children. The set of twins was Toib, male, and Kafayat, female. Cousin Toib and I became almost inseparable twins. But cousin Kafayat has forever been distant from me.

My education was halted after primary school by lack of funds. My foster-dad's wife, my foster-mum, had a small, shack restaurant; and I hawked some of the food, on my head, around town.

One Eid al-Adha tide, my father's kid sister, Aunt Sheri, came to holiday with us. She was a glamorous woman who lived with her husband in Lagos. I heard she was a thriving draper in the city. Attracted to me, she asked if I would come with her to Lagos and learn her trade. I jumped at the offer. But my foster-mum forced Aunt Sheri to take Kafayat to Lagos in my stead. Which did not help the non-relation between Kafayat and I.

Aunt Sheri's thwarted offer had nevertheless given me the idea to learn a trade. I decided on sewing and apprenticed myself to a local lady popular with sewing apprentices.

But my foster-mum responded to my apprenticeship by stopping my lunch at home: because I was no longer of service at home during the day. Another act of my foster-mum for which I was unhappy with her—and for which I was unhappy with the now absent Kafayat, who I somehow associated with any unpleasantness by her mum.

When my sewing mistress discovered that I went without lunch, however, she threw her kitchen open to me to eat whatever I liked. And, in gratitude, I assisted her in cooking and in tidying the kitchen.

Then I qualified in sewing, and my foster-parents said they could not afford a sewing machine for me: another unhappy memory. I had to hire out daily, carrying palm fruit bunches for the growers, to earn the money for my sewing machine.

I have long since married and relocated to Ibadan with my husband. Cousin Toib and I have kept in constant touch, and eagerly assist one another when the need arises. Cousin Kafayat has never remembered me.

Now, out of the blue, Kafayat, in dire straits, calls me, pleading for financial help. My inclination is not to heed her; but I'm unsure.

Please, Dear Ola, ought I to help Kafayat?

—Risi, in Ibadan

Dear Risi,

Please assist your cousin Kafayat.

Kafayat has been distant. But you have not said that you ever tried to be friendly with her either. Or that she ever did you a specific wrong. And people help even people who have wronged them.

You may choose not to aid Kafayat to the extent that you will aid, for instance, her brother Toib. But help her you should.

And your assistance of her could finally begin a genuine relationship between you two.

—Ola

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