In my harrowing situation, what would you do?

Published 4 October 2026

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Dear Ola,

I genuinely need honest and unbiased advice. I don't know if I'm overthinking or ignoring the truth. Please read my story carefully from beginning to end before giving your opinion.

I am a 34-year-old married man from India. My engagement took place in 2013, and I got married in 2014. We have two children, and my wife is currently pregnant with our third child.

For the past several years, I have been struggling with serious doubts about my wife's past involving Farhan, a distant male relative of my wife.

Before marriage, I repeatedly asked my wife whether there had ever been any man in her life. She always said no.

About two years after our marriage, while she was staying at her parents' house, she suddenly told me that Farhan had been proposing to her since before our marriage and had been disturbing her repeatedly. This surprised me because whenever I had asked earlier, she had always denied that anyone had ever been interested in her.

Since then, many incidents have happened over the years that have damaged my trust. Some examples are:

She told me Farhan contacted her several times through WhatsApp, Instagram and other means. Whenever I wanted to speak to him directly, she stopped me and said she would handle it herself.
I found that she had liked some photos or videos in which Farhan appeared (uploaded by his friends or relatives). She said they were normal likes.
In one family WhatsApp group, Farhan uploaded videos. One video had a laughing reaction from my wife and another had a heart reaction. At first she admitted reacting, but later changed her explanation and said perhaps someone else using her phone had done it.
She joined a family WhatsApp group where Farhan was also a member.
At family weddings, I noticed Farhan looking at my wife repeatedly. Sometimes I also felt my wife was aware of him, although she explained those situations differently.

During our engagement period, before I had even properly seen my future wife, Farhan showed me several photographs of her on his own phone and jokingly told me she was a "very smart girl." Looking back, this now feels strange to me.

My wife later told me that, before our marriage, some relatives had once discussed the possibility of her marrying Farhan, although it never moved forward. She also told me that on our wedding day, Farhan confronted her privately and angrily asked why she was getting married so quickly.

There are many other small incidents which, individually, may appear normal, but together they have made me doubt whether there was something between them before our marriage.

At the same time, there are also facts that support my wife:

She says Farhan has harassed other women in the extended family as well.
Some women reportedly told my wife that they also felt uncomfortable because of him.
One older woman in the family also reportedly described him as someone who behaves inappropriately with women.
When Farhan contacted her on WhatsApp asking her to call him, she refused. After she rejected him, he allegedly abused her and she blocked him.
He has repeatedly sent Instagram follow requests over the years, and according to my wife she deleted or ignored them.

My biggest problem is not only Farhan. My biggest problem is trust. I feel my wife revealed many important facts years later instead of telling me honestly from the beginning. Sometimes her explanations also changed, which made me wonder whether she was hiding something.

Another issue is our married life. For almost our entire marriage, I have felt that physical intimacy has always depended on me initiating it. My wife rarely, if ever, initiates affection herself. Whenever I ask why, she simply says she does not know how or that she is shy. After so many years of marriage, I find that explanation difficult to understand.

I do not have any proof that my wife had a romantic relationship with Farhan. However, when I connect all these incidents together, I cannot stop thinking that perhaps there was something before marriage that I still do not know. At the same time, I also worry that maybe I am connecting unrelated events because my trust has already been damaged. I genuinely want an unbiased opinion.

Please answer these questions honestly:

Based on everything I have described, do you think I am overthinking, or do these incidents reasonably justify my doubts?
Is it possible that my wife simply handled the situation badly without there ever being a romantic relationship?
What would you do if you were in my position?
How can I rebuild trust—or discover the truth—without harming my marriage unnecessarily?

Please be completely honest, even if your opinion is different from mine. I want the truth more than I want reassurance.

Thank you for reading.

—Aamir, in India

Dear Aamir,

You are overthinking.

If your wife said she had not been involved with anyone, that is not the same thing as saying that no one had shown interest in her.

If she says Farhan contacts her and that she will handle the matter, that's a demonstration of both honesty and good judgement by her.

If a harmless truth she says does not go down well with you, you make her want to change her story as the discreet thing for her to do.

Farhan doesn't stop being her family because he is interested in her but she can't return his interest.

Even if Farhan isn't family, his unrequited crush on her will ordinarily be reason for good relations between them, not reason for her to hate him or estrange herself from him.

If Farhan goes too far, your wife will know it and act appropriately.

Be tolerant of differences in your wife from yourself.

You say you don't want to harm your marriage unnecessarily. That's the spirit. It should be your overriding spirit. It's your wife's overriding spirit.

You can rebuild trust by

stopping overthinking,
being tolerant of differences in your wife from yourself, and
letting your overriding consideration be not to hurt your marriage unnecessarily.

—Ola

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